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My Blog - "Brad's Blurbs"

I originally blogged on Word Press and often shared many ideas that inspire me.  
This new space was created in the same spirit of sharing and learning.  
Just seemed to make sense to merge my blog into my website.
I hope you enjoy it.


... please forgive any poorly written content, 
often I want to simply express a thought more-so then writing something for publication ...
Please also visit my:  Inspirational Blog

Adapted: My Ode to the INFJ - All or Nothing.

posted Jan 8, 2012 4:34 AM by Brad Garbus   [ updated Jan 8, 2012 4:52 AM ]

ON DAYS LIKE TODAY, WHEN I WAKE UP AT 4:30 RUNNING SOMETHING THROUGH MY MIND TO FIND ALL THE WAYS I WAS STUPID AND WRONG AND A FOOL, WHILE INTELLECTUALLY UNDERSTANDING THAT I’M BEING COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL AND IRRATIONAL, I CAN USUALLY TRACE MY DISTRESS TO MY PARTICULAR BRAND OF INSANITY, THAT OF BEING INFJ.

 

For those of you who are not into personality tests or typing, INFJ is one of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types. Now I don’t believe that Myers-Briggs gives all the answers (nor hand analysis or finding your words or any of the interesting explorations into which we can define ourselves), but whenever I am freaking out & I share it with another INFJ, unlike most people, they understand.

 

Here I’ll give you the short version of what it means to be an INFJ, at least for what I’m talking about here.

 

INFJ stands for Introvert (as opposed to Extrovert), Intuitive (as opposed to Sensing), Feeling (as opposed to Thinking) and Judging (as opposed to Perceiving).

INFJs are known as the Confident, the Protector, the Mystic, the Counselor.

“INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the rarest of all the types.” 

We are regularly mistaken as extroverts -

Probably because we are so interested in people and concerned with the state of the world, we seek connection and interaction with others, unlike many other introverted types. We love learning about people, we love figuring them out.

 

Another INFJ trait – we listen.

I can’t tell you how many times people I barely know have chosen to share their secrets with me. Speak truths they have never spoken. I don’t know what it is that I do, but there is something about me that invites confidences.

But regardless of how outgoing we seem, we are true introverts.

 

While we love people, we are sensitive.

You freak us out when we are exposed to you in mass quantities. We need alone time to find ourselves, to reenergize, to fill ourselves back up so we can give to you from our overflowing.

Yes, I hide in the bathroom at times. Yes, I’ve taken off early from parties without saying goodbye to anyone. Yes, I must have time alone every day. Yes, I’ve even spent entire weekends away from the company of other humans … well, except for a bit of social media.

 

And it’s not because I don’t love you.

 

It’s because I can feel your energy, I can see into your souls. I feel what you feel deep inside and often it is overwhelming and even hurts.

It’s because I care about your problems, where you are not in resonance with your truth. I can feel it when your heart feels one way, but your mouth says something different.  I know when you lie or don’t tell the whole truth.  It’s because I can’t fix everything and feel that I may have failed you in some way.

And while we INFJs may know lots of people, we will only share our souls with a very chosen few.

 

The thing is, I’m everything or nothing with the people I love.

 

With most of you that I love, I keep you at a distance to protect myself. This may be a physical distance, where I break off most connections to keep negativity at bay. Or, we may spend time together, have fun, do projects together, go on adventures … but that’s only a small part of me.

 

On a rare occasion, after much research and consideration and an intuitive hit that the person has integrity and caring, I decide to let someone in. To trust them with my soul and my heart. But I don’t know how to let someone in a little bit. If I let them in, it’s all the way.

 

  • So to most of you, those in my outer circle, my followers, friends, co-workers, readers:

 

Even when I am hiding in the bathroom, when I can’t talk to you, when I don’t reply to your email; that does not mean I don’t care about you. On the contrary, I do care. Perhaps too much. But I have to protect myself, reenergize myself, keep a certain part of myself safe behind a wall, to have anything left to give to you tomorrow.

 

We can have fun, go on short adventures, talk and laugh together. We can have amazing conversations, debate controversial issues. I can help you with your projects, share resources, give advice. I’ll speak my truth on facebook, write my truth on my website and tell the whole story.

 

But there is a certain part of me you may never get access to. You may see it, read about it, feel it when we make eye contact, resonate with it, but there’s only so much of me that I can give.

 

  • To my inner circle, my best friends, my confidants, to anyone I trust with my soul:

 

You’ve got my everything, an unlimited amount of listening and insight and help, of fun and laughter and adventure, of caring and creativity, intellect, support and courage.

 

I accept and love you as you are, I support you in your insanity, I believe in your vision, I stand by you equally in your greatest triumphs and even when I think you are making colossal mistakes.

 

And I will be brutally honest. Tell you all of my insanities. Speak the whole story, even the parts where I am embarrassed and worried about what you will think of me and scared that you may be upset or hurt by what I have to say.

 

I’ll call you on your bullcrap. Hold you accountable to what you say you are going to do. Hold up a mirror so you can see who who you truly are.

 

I’ll protect you from the world. Create a sanctuary, a safe place for you to be 100% yourself.  I will love you unconditionally and give you all that I am.

 

All I ask is the same in return.

 

Which is a freakin big deal, actually. I get that.

 

And if it ends up that you can’t do that, then I’m pulling back - as painful as it may be for me.  I can not change you, only you can change you.

 

Not because I don’t love you. Not because you did anything objectively wrong. Not because there has been some grand betrayal.

 

But because I can only be everything or nothing.

 

If I let you in, it must be all the way. And the only way I have anything to give is if I keep myself from constantly falling apart.

 

- Partial content credit to  Elizabeth Potts Weinstein

 

The Eyes Have It: How Eye Contact Affects Our Brains

posted Dec 8, 2011 2:24 AM by Brad Garbus   [ updated Dec 8, 2011 2:53 AM ]

The Eyes Have It: How Eye Contact Affects Our Brains


Did you ever play the Eye Contact Game as a kid? You’re supposed to sit directly across from another person and stare into his or her eyes for as long as possible while keeping a straight face. I don’t think I won a single game; every attempt would end in a fit of nervous giggles. And as an adult, I feel even weirder locking eyes with someone for too long. There’s just something about prolonged eye contact that makes you feel vulnerable and exposed, as if the person looking into your eyes has access to your inner thoughts and feelings. A loved one’s lingering look can trigger a rush of happiness, but too much eye contact with an acquaintance or a stranger can bring on sudden discomfort. How, exactly, does eye contact affect us, anyway? 

The Look of Love
That old adage about eyes’ being the window to our inner selves isn’t far from the truth. We can feign a frown or a smile, but it’s harder to fake expressions from the nose up. A true smile will produce crow’s feet, and someone who’s angry will narrow his eyes a bit, according to body-language experts. We learn a lot by looking into another person’s eyes, a behavior that’s ingrained in us from the start. As babies, we use adults’ gazes to figure out what’s worth our attention. In a 2002 study published in Developmental Psychology, researchers found that infants followed people’s eye direction, rather than head direction. Eye contact also helps our younger selves with memory recall. Researchers at MIT discovered that four-month-olds were more likely to recognize someone later if he or she made direct eye contact. 

Over time, we learn the difference between eye contact that makes our hearts flutter and eye contact that makes us cringe internally. Oxytocin, also known as the “love” or “cuddle” hormone, plays a big part in that. It’s a feel-good chemical that’s released when we feel bonded with someone, either emotionally or physically. The release is prompted by a warm hug, holding hands, falling in love, and so forth. A recent article in Biological Psychiatry postulated that oxytocin’s the reason we’re so inclined to make prolonged eye contact with our loved ones. And Dr. Kerstin Uväs-Moberg, the author of The Oxytocin Factor, believes that eye contact can bring about oxytocin release as well. Perhaps that’s why gazing into the eyes of someone you don’t feel emotionally close with can feel so wrong—the oxytocin might be there, but it’s not for the right reasons. It’s also why eye contact is deemed so essential for couples trying to reconnect. Looking deeply into each other’s eyes might rekindle forgotten feelings. 

A Simple Gaze Inspires Complex Behaviors
Even if we don’t appreciate meaningful glances from just anybody, we do look favorably upon those who look directly at us. Researchers at the University of Aberdeen asked a group of people to look at two pictures of faces that were almost identical—the only difference was that one face had eyes looking away and the other’s eyes looked into the camera, mimicking eye contact. Whether the subjects smiled or looked disgusted didn’t make much difference; instead, men and women found the faces making eye contact most attractive and likable. According to the journal Nature, the brain’s reward center is activated when one makes eye contact with a good-looking person. Not only do we like looking at attractive people, but it makes us feel even better when they look our way. 

Because eye contact is linked directly to our emotions, it has an effect on our behavior, too, as researchers at Tufts University proved. Study participants encountered a dime left in a phone booth and were approached by a random person claiming it as his or her own. When that person made eye contact with the participants, they were more likely to give back the dime. Having someone look directly at them made them more honest, probably because their inner thoughts—namely, “This dime isn’t mine”—seemed exposed. 

Direct gazes also prompt increased participation from people in groups because it makes them feel more included. Dr. Roel Vertegaal, an expert on eye communication between humans, showed that the amount of eye contact a person received during a group conversation was proportional to how much he or she participated. Eye contact also forces us to pay attention more: a 2005 joint study by the University of Wolverhampton and the University of Stirling found that viewers remembered what a speaker said better if he looked directly into the camera at least 30 percent of the time. 

This improved attention to detail shifts the other way if someone’s expected to answer a question while making eye contact with someone else, as evidenced by a University of Stirling study. Kids answered questions correctly only 50 percent of the time if they had to look at someone while doing it; their scores improved significantly when they were allowed to avert their gazes. Eye contact requires so much mental work that it becomes difficult to think of much else in the process. It’s easy when our eyes are focusing on someone we trust and love; we can concentrate solely on the adoration, instead of on keeping up a conversation. But most of us can’t even look into an acquaintance’s eyes and keep a straight face, let alone attempt complex problem solving. 

Use Eye Contact with Discretion
Eye contact can help us feel incredibly bonded or incredibly creeped out, depending on the person in view. It can make people more honest or make them appear more attractive. It has the power to enhance memory or cause us to forget everything else but the irises in front of us. Think of how many people we lock eyes with on a daily basis, be it at the grocery store or during a conversation with a coworker. It’s a wonder we can get anything done! 

Luckily, there’s a social difference between strangers and loved ones when it comes to eye contact time limits. A certain amount is necessary for social functioning (how weird is it when the person you’re talking to refuses to look you in the eyes?), but anything more than that gets far too close for comfort. Though we do it all the time, eye contact is clearly one of the most intimate behaviors we engage in. 

We may look into people’s eyes throughout the day, but we reserve the prolonged kind of gazing for those we keep closest to our hearts.



Happy Thanks Giving!

posted Nov 23, 2011 7:23 AM by Brad Garbus   [ updated Nov 23, 2011 11:15 AM ]

I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone who has touched my life in some way a Happy Thanksgiving.

Everyone is so busy with friends, family and work that as a society we don’t just stop enough anymore and feel true gratitude and thanks for all the people we have in our lives, and in all the different roles they play in our lives.   In fact, too often we feel ungrateful because we want more or expect more from those people in our lives.   

Allow the Holiday season to serve as a reminder the cherish and appreciate every person in your life and focus on the happiness they bring to you.   In that state of happiness, thank them, preferably with a sincere hug.   Allow them to feel the importance of what they have added to your life.   

Christmas brings with it the season of giving, but lets not get caught up in what has become a materialistic celebration of 'I want' and 'things we really don't need'...   I challenge everyone to give more of yourself (from your heart) and less ‘stuff’.   Share your time and your love with those in your life.  Give of yourself and not because you have to or should, but because you want to.

I have painfully learned that the only way we truly appreciate the people in our lives is to loose them, either to death or circumstance.  While this is sad for me to say, I look at the silver lining because I can share these heartfelt feelings with you and maybe in some way help you appreciate even more every person you come in contact with - good or bad.   They all have purpose in our lives and they are each a gift to us that is precious and fragile.  Life is far too short and filled with far too many good-byes...

So, I write this to say “I am thankful for YOU”, for being part of my life in whatever capacity you have been in the past, and I wish you all the gratitude, thankfulness and love the world has to offer. May we all learn to look past our faults and pull down the walls that separate us - everyone deserves to be loved...

Happy Thanks Giving - may we learn to live in the spirit of the holidays all year long...

With Gratitude,
Brad

www.bradgarbus.com

While I would love nothing more than to spend the holidays with all of you, please know the happiness in my heart comes from the memories that we have shared and hopes of many more in the future!  You will be in my heart and on my mind.  

Don't take it personally...

posted Oct 10, 2011 11:12 AM by Brad Garbus   [ updated Oct 12, 2011 3:02 AM ]

I hear this statement too frequently and feel like I am not communicating well.   Perhaps it is simply an error in perception...  

People always tell me, Brad "don't take it personally" ...  Even people that have known me for years mistake my response to situations as 'me taking the situation personally' when in reality I am just genuinely concerned about the decision that has been made and the cause and effect it will likely have.  I also have an instinct to know the difference between a bad decision and a good one.  

I frequently 'push back' on change when it is something that impacts a routine I have carefully developed, especially when the changes are being made without my input or involvement.  I have stated over and over again in many places on my website that I put my heart and soul to everything I do.  I generally have a very methodical and well laid out plan for nearly ever word I speak and every step I take.  Even my worst disasters were once well intentioned plans.

When people make changes without thinking about how it impacts my routine it disturbs me, but I am always open to feedback and flexible as needs change - as long as I am included in the decision making process or at least given the opportunity to understand why the process/procedure/routine needed to change.   

I guess I was spoiled when I was younger, but my parents respected my intelligence enough to always explain "why", I was never told just "because".  I was taught to understand and reason - after all it is the only way we can learn.   

I think people sometimes take my desire to understand the reason for change, and my inquisitive nature to learn, as me 'taking it personally' implying that I am offended in some way.  The truth is I do not offend easily.  You can hurt my feelings far faster than you will ever offend me, because I realize I am human and I make mistakes.  I also make decisions based on the information I am provided.  If I am supplied with bad or inadequate information, my decisions may be poor as a result.  It all goes back to communication and how well we either do or don't do it.  This applies to everyone.  If I ask someone for help with something and they don't do it well, I have to take a significant amount of responsibility because I failed to provide the necessary directions to achieve what I anticipated and was looking for.

If I get visibly frustrated by something it is because I may think the decision or situation is being handled poorly.  Often this happens when a lack of communication has caused poor results or I feel will cause poor results.   I especially feel upset when I realize this will impact someone undeserving of lesser results due to poor planning.

I try to always remember not everyone holds the entire puzzle and can see every piece.  We all hold different pieces and unless we learn to openly share and communicate  the information we have we will never reach our goal of a finished or complete picture.  In the end, everyone loses from the lack of being able to share what they have and know.

Greed applies not only to money, but also information.  It's simply the lack or unwillingness to share (fill in the blank).

We need to work collectively to understand how all of our decisions impact others.   The only way to do that is to include these people in the process.   

In the end, you have a better process and a happier team which always ends with higher productivity & satisfaction.

This quote applies in so many ways....

Tell me, I’ll forget
Show me, I’ll remember 
Involve me, I’ll understand...

Pledge to Inspire!

posted Aug 15, 2011 5:29 AM by Brad Garbus   [ updated Aug 15, 2011 5:31 AM ]

I took Lance Secretan's Pledge to INSPIRE and hope you will too!



Help Us Change The World!

Changing the world begins within each of us—and one person at a time. We can begin by making a pledge to be more inspiring—in all aspects of our lives.

We can restore inspiration to our work and personal lives through one simple action—committing to be more inspiring ourselves and to inspiring others. We can do this by asking ourselves, in Robert Greenleaf’s words, “In saying what I have in mind will I really improve on the silence?”

Each of us can commit to being more inspiring in every meeting, every e-mail and phone conversation, every communication and every decision and action. Corporate life would be transformed through this simple leadership action.

By lighting the torch and then following through on your intention, the change you will feel in yourself and your impact on those around you will be remarkable, and your life will be changed forever—as will the lives of others. Please take action by enrolling your friends and colleagues in this simple endeavor.

With your help, support, encouragement, and passion, we can create a movement. By doing so, we can change the world.

http://www.secretan.com/inspirepledge/index.php




Psychologists Support Legalizing Gay Marriage

posted Aug 5, 2011 8:47 AM by Brad Garbus   [ updated Aug 5, 2011 9:53 AM ]

During lunch today I noticed this in the news ticker at work and had to share this.   I wonder how many politicians will actually listen?!



TEXT OF ARTICLE:


(CNN) -- The American Psychological Association is calling on state and federal officials to stop anti-gay legal measures and to legalize same-sex marriage.

The scientific and professional organization's guiding body voted unanimously at its annual meeting this week in Washington to declare its support for "full marriage equality for same-sex couples."

The resolution "clarifies the Association's support for same-sex marriage" in light of new research, the group said. A similar resolution in 2004 opposed discrimination against same-sex relationships, but refrained from a more formal policy recommendation.

Dr. Clinton Anderson, APA associate executive director, said that the timing of the resolution is an indirect result of several states' legalization of marriage.

"We knew that marriage benefits heterosexual people in very significant ways, but we didn't know if that would be true for same-sex couples," said Anderson, who is also director of the APA's Office on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Concerns.

Now that six U.S. states permit same-sex marriage, researchers have been able to conduct studies with those couples.

The research, Anderson said, indicates that marriage "does confer the same sense of security, support, and validation" to same-sex couples as to heterosexual ones.

The resolution also points to evidence that ongoing political debate about marriage creates stress for gay men and lesbians and perpetuates stigmas and prejudice about their communities. This stress can make people physically and psychologically sick, the APA says, calling the link between stress and illness "well established."

Maggie Gallagher, chairman of the board of the National Organization for Marriage, takes issue with the assertion that legalizing same-sex marriage would improve community acceptance of homosexuality.

"There is no evidence that gay teens are better off in Massachusetts, a state that has gay marriage, than they are in Wisconsin, a state which has passed a marriage amendment defining marriage as one man and one woman," she said in an e-mail response to CNN.

Gallagher continued, "The release of this statement is unfortunately going to undermine confidence in APA statements generally, I would predict."

Both the National Organization for Marriage and the APA are skeptical of one solution to the gay-marriage debate: civil unions. Rhode Island NOM executive director Chris Plante is quoted in a press release on the NOM website calling the move "nothing more than a Trojan Horse that will usher in same-sex marriage sooner rather than later." Elsewhere on its website, NOM calls for dealing with legal and economic benefits separately from any discussion of marriage or unions.

The APA also feels that civil unions miss the mark.

"Anything other than marriage is, in essence, a stigmatization of same-sex couples. Stigma does have negative impacts on people," Anderson said.

"That's the analysis that we've come to and why we've decided to support full marriage equality -- because domestic partnership or civil union will still convey the message that same-sex couples are not as good."


http://www.apa.org/


What's Your Enneagram

posted Jun 28, 2011 6:10 AM by Brad Garbus   [ updated Jun 28, 2011 6:22 AM ]

I have always been on a quest to better and more deeply understand myself.  Too often I see people that just go through life just living without looking deeper.  I sometimes tell people, "if you want to play in the kiddie pool, I may not be the friend for you."    I am definitely not a shallow person by any stretch of the imagination.  I actually have been told I over think things too much.

Well, recently I found this amazing tool to help you dig deeper and understand yourself on a deeper level.   This process has been around for many many years and has a fascinating history.

I challenge you to take the test and find out what your Enneagram is and share it with me.  Below is a the link to the site where you can take the test for free.   


Once you have taken the test you can explore my Enneagram if your would like and learn more about me.  I have included the link below:


Have fun with this and enjoy!
Brad

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