I struggled with creating and sharing this page, but realized that in order for people to understand me they needed to know even the deepest darkest me... the person who fights with depression and loneliness almost on a daily basis. I don't think any of my closest 'friends' or ' acquaintances' have even a remote idea of how deep or how dark this is for me at times. I guess we all battle with demons in our lives, for me this page brings that darkness into the light so you can understand me a little better.
In my previous church's tradition they did a segment on a monthly basis called "Joys and Sorrows" where we each would light a candle and share what was going on in our lives. On this page it is more sorrow than joy, but it is part of who I am. These are the tribulations that have built my character and in some cases given me a deeper appreciation of compassion.
- (Father) At age 5 my father had a massive heart attack and died. Having a visual and acute memory is not a great thing in these instances, but I guess I can't pick and choose what I remember... It happened in the hallway, just outside my bedroom. I remember mom was trying to do CPR when she pulled me across dad and pushed me into the living room. I sat there on the end of the sofa watching my mother trying to perform CPR on my dad - not completely understanding what I was seeing. When the ambulance arrived I remember the neighbors came and took me to their house until the next morning. I remember coming home and I asked when was dad was coming home and the room going silent and mom telling me that Dad wasn't coming home...
- (My first intimate relationships) I won't use names here, but the first relationship I had was with a female - I was still in denial about my sexuality and had genuine feelings for her... We dated most of our middle school years and into our junior year of high school. This was far more than a crush or puppy love. I had deep emotional feelings for her. She was my first true love and when she eventually dumped me it was one of the most hurtful things I have ever experienced. I suspect it was because I was not physically attracted to her and did not really understand that until a few years later. It was my first love lost, and the confirmation that I was not straight or even bisexual for that matter. I did have a discrete relationship with a male in high school which solidly confirmed I was gay. It was a spring break fling and it was an experiment gone wrong for him, which was yet another horrible emotional experience for me - that I had to keep hidden and secret. We never spoke again after... Also during this time, I switched to a private christian school where I developed a very dangerous, forbidden and obsessive crush (I was 17, what would you expect...) It finally resulted in me not re-enrolling at the private school the next year and finishing my high school education in summer school so I could start college the following winter. I also never saw him again after that... During that fiasco I had to endure 'homosexual de-programming therapy/ministry'. I agreed to it, to avoid being expelled from the private school (I had to finish out the year), but it left me with a hatred for myself in the end that eventually lead to a suicide attempt just after my college graduation. The emotional scars and memories I carry from that event alone are unimaginable.
- (Major accident) After work one night, during my first year with Canon, I was heading home and was hit at over 80 mph by a drunk driver. I survived, but it left me with nerve damage in my back and sever post traumatic stress that still causes me to be a horrible passenger. More details of this can be viewed on my Medical Saga page.
- (Aunt) Several years later, after living in Virginia my closest aunt was diagnosed with cancer which went into remission and came back with a vengeance. After fighting it for many months it took her life. I still struggle with her death because my Aunt Patty was one of my favorite relatives, yet I suppose because of the pain I had over my dad's death I couldn't bring myself to go see her before she passed away. I remember how much pain my sister was in when she went to visit and I just couldn't even think about it. I still can't...
- (Grand Father) I was the youngest in my family and because of this only had one living grand-parent. While I would sometimes get to see him during the holidays I was very young and remember being a little afraid of him because he was tall and had a deep voice. I never really had the experience of 'being spoiled by my grandparents' because I never knew them. It makes it hard to see so many people today taking for granted their relationships with their grand-parents and even parents...
- (Adopted Mother) While Mrs. Jane was not a relative she was my best friend's mother in high school. She was kinda like my second mom. Probably one of the people I admired most in my life. She was one of the strongest and most intelligent people I have ever met and I loved just sitting and talking with her. I remember she became ill due to complications she had working with mold earlier in her life. That last couple of months she had some sort of brain virus that took her life. I remember going to see her in the hospital and remembering all the good times we shared and how much I would miss her. Well, I got the call the next morning that she had passed. I don't think I ever really dealt with it...
- (Mother) Not too long after, my mother's health deteriorated and she had to move into a nursing home since I was not able to give her the constant care she needed or supply a suitable home for her to live in. It was very hard. I watched my mother fight to stay well and strong for us kids after dad passed away. She did an amazing job, but the last couple years were bad. She had so many illnesses I can't even list them all here, suffice to say she was alive, but she was in so much pain and suffering that it hurt my heart every time I saw her. That last day, I was at work and remember my brother calling me saying I needed to come to the hospital immediately. After being stubborn I finally made him tell me what was going on, he said mom had passed and we needed to say our good-byes. She was not feeling well and was being taken to the doctors for treatment, when we were told she lost her breath and when she panicked her heart stopped and the paramedics couldn't get it started again... My mother was the world to me since Dad passed away, she had always been my best friend. When she passed I went into such a deep depression that I also lost the person I had been in a relationship with for over 5 years. I simply pushed them out of my life. I turned to my sister and my brother I was never really that close to because of my 'life style.' Over the next few years I did a lot of growing. Still carried around a lot of pain of the losses I have experienced, but still kept moving. Seemed like the holidays weren't nearly as close as I wanted them to be, but we managed to share them to some extent and that is how it was for the last 10 years....
- (First long-term relationship) He was my first life-partner and it lasted just over 5 years. It was one of the most extreme experiences I have ever had in my life. The great times were intoxicating and amazing and the bad times were nothing short of absolute pure hell. There were so many great memories I have from those years. Lots of emotional scars and baggage too. I can honestly say I probably will never feel that way for another human being, as the feelings we shared were so innocent when we met, it was true love in every sense of it. It seems as we get older the feelings aren't as deep. Perhaps being hurt over and over again causes the heart not to trust as easily? This relationship ended shortly after my mother passed away and it was just one devastation after another. I literally worked two jobs as long as I could to cover the pain and work through it. I healed after about a year enough to move on and met someone new who I have been with ever since. It sometimes bothers me because I don't have those same intense feelings for him, but I want to. People tell me this is normal, but it just doesn't feel right. It has just become my new normal... This new normal has left my heart ripped and yearning for friends to fill the gaps...
- (Brother) My brother had a very close call. He was having what he thought was heart burn and drove from New England all the way back to Virginia with severe chest pain. Turns out he was rushed in for an emergency triple bypass. He is doing much better now, but still is not eating right or getting proper exercise to prevent it from reoccurring. He has stopped smoking which is a huge step in the right direction, but all of this scares me because it was the same way dad died. We have never been super close, but we do from time to time talk on the phone. I really wish we were closer, but it's hard because of our work schedules and old disagreements that I am sure still keep us from being as close as we could/should be.
- (Sister) In February 2011 my sister would not wake up so my ten year old niece called 911. My sister's health was not the best. She had recently had knee surgery and was very overweight and out of shape. They recall her gurgling and foaming at the mouth when they tried to wake her. The hospital said she passed of heart failure. It happened very suddenly and left us all stunned. What I miss most is Beth would call me every week to just talk, she loved to talk, and it always made me feel connected and loved. What she lacked in money, Beth made up for in love for her family.
- (Friend) I have a friend that I work with on the weekends that I have known for years that has never ceased to amaze me. He is one of those rare individuals you stumble upon in life that just brings you to a complete stop. He has a heart of pure gold, probably one of the kindest people I have ever encountered, just a genuinely authentic person who marches to beat of his own drum and seems not to have fallen into the competitive shallow-minded materialistic pit far too many people find themselves in... His actions suggest he is driven by compassion and selflessness and not ego and selfishness. The phrase 'one-in-a-billion' comes to mind. A person I just connect with on an almost spiritual level despite being very different on the surface. Under different circumstances they could have been called a potential soul mate. It is the first time I have come across someone that I feel this deep of a connection with, but because of my complete lack of social skills, and lack of patients, I feel I have driven them away. It just seems our paths in life were meant to cross here and not merge, I have tried, probably too hard, to create a true friendship with this person. This has left me pretty sad and broken over the last several months, I feel like I am mourning a lost loved one. It appears our paths may soon continue to take us further apart and I feel as I will soon loose another person in my life. Someone that could have easily filled some of the major gaps in my life and probably had a lot of adventures with... While we are still talking at work, it hurts my heart to know once either of us leave, I may loose this connection forever. Just makes me so anxious and impatient. The anticipation is keeping from living in the moment. So the instinctual and coincidental search goes on to find that true meaningful friendship my soul yearns for... 2011 has been a very hard year...
My life has been very sorrowful when it comes to losing people. Probably one reason I have such an overwhelming fear of being abandoned or rejected - even when I don't show it, the fear and emotion is there just under the surface. It's a double edged sword; while I crave deep meaningful friendships/relationships, I fear losing people. It is a constant emotional tug of war that rips me apart, especially around the holidays when we want to be closest to those we care about and love. I realize death is a very natural part of life, but when you can count the number of loved ones left in your life on one hand it becomes overwhelming.
All of this has made it very hard for me to have close friends and nearly impossible to make new ones. When I do make the attempt and get rejected it isn't just something I can easily brush off - it affects me deeply, to my core and leaves me very hurt for a long period. Despite logically understanding all of this - it does not change the emotion or feelings that are associated. I am human, I feel...
The most significant thing to understand is this just skims the surface of sorrows I have experienced in my life - there are so many other events that I would probably never put in writing that happened when I was a child. Things that would scar anyone in a healthy loving environment.
What complicated things even more is I came out of the closet to my mother and sister at age 18 (told them I was gay) just before I started college which was very hard after all the damage the private-christian school managed to do. (As you can imagine, my mother was not all that surprised, I think she might have been actually relieved that I finally admitted it.) Although, this was something I was already aware of since probably as early as age 7, but was far too confused by it and afraid to ever really tell anyone. Which is the typical struggle kids have when they realize they are 'different,' and even harder in families that openly disapprove of gay people. The emotional scars from that alone were enough. When all this is coupled with my struggles with codependency it's amazing I am stable and of sound mind at all. Because I don't often share these emotions with anyone I have dealt with stomach ulcers on and off since age 12 and high blood pressure most of my adult life despite eating healthy and taking care of myself. The burdens I carry aren't often visible on the outside, but the emotions and scars run very deep. At first glace of this page someone without compassion might say I am damaged merchandise. There are times I feel like it as I struggle to form meaningful friendships, often ending in failure.
The hardest part of all of this is learning to live with all this emotional depth. Each event seems to dig the emotional hole in my life a little deeper and while this is not evident on the surface it has left me a very deeply emotional person. When I am happy I can soar to the heavens, and when I am sad, the most painful emotional feelings bubble up from the depths. I try to find a comfortable center, but at times when no one is around I will allow myself to cry uncontrollably until some of the pressure is released. The few people I have shared the depths of my emotion with did not know how to take it, I could see the helplessness in their eyes. While I want nothing more during that time than to be held and loved - I can't bring myself to allowing another person to experience that level of sadness and hurt. I carry these feelings around all the time - it is who I am. When I feel - I feel deeply. When I hurt, I hurt deeply. When I love, I love deeply. It is hard to understand and often seems to make people uncomfortable so I have to regularly hold back the feelings I am experiencing inside, as not to scare away the person in front of me at the time. Sadly, in most cases it is a burden I carry alone. I have yet to find anyone that can come close to understanding it, let alone have the depths within them to help me shoulder it. While I know I am not alone in life, there are times when I feel so different that no one can understand me. It reminds me of that quote: "We are all in this together, alone." It has never had a more true meaning... What makes this even harder is when I try to place trust in a person, and allow them deeper into my life they often can't handle this level of emotional baggage so they bolt out of my life. It has left me hesitant, even a little withdrawn because I don't want to loose more people in my life. The strangest part is this pain continues to make me a deeper person, where it has been my experience in most people these sorts of events harden people's hearts and they stop feeling nearly altogether or it makes them angry at the world. I have never understood that, but suspect it is their defense mechanism trying to compensate. Since I do not process events in my life like most people, I don't turn the pain into anger and rage, but just allow it to be...
While this page is a summary of a few of the sorrows in my life there are many details I have not shared. On the brighter side, there are many joys that have also filled my life along the way which you will find scattered throughout my website - I am grateful for all the experience I have had. All these experiences, good and bad, all come together to tell my life's story. I hope they inspire you to pick up the phone and call someone in your life and tell them how much you love them - the hardest lesson learned is that once they are gone, you can't go back and 'say what you needed to say.'
We have to live and love today with all that we are. Never take life's precious gifts for granted. Never turn away someone who needs a friend or an ear to hear them or a shoulder to cry on. These gifts and opportunities make us who we are and create the memories we carry with us through life. Nothing is more important - nothing connects us more as human beings... We are here to love and care for each other - strangers, family and friends alike.
With Loving Gratitude, Brad
My heart and mind - wide open.
While I struggle with making new friends, there is nothing I want more in this world than to have a couple true friends.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
While this page might seem like more than one person should handle, it doesn't cover the medical trauma I have had during my life that makes many of the emotional issues here look pretty insignificant...
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